Monday, 17 October 2016

Egg Slayonaise

Julian Assange looking in robust good health

Secret "E" State Hit Squad Strikes

Thirty Nine Steps to Death

The Mail reports: ( link can be found here )
Julian Assange says his internet link was 'severed' by state agents hours after he had to prove he was not poisoned by a Pret a Manger vegan sandwich brought to him by Pamela Anderson.
Viva Las Vegan!

It came as rumours spread that Mr Assange may have died over the weekend after a visit from Pamela Anderson, 49.
Just a Prawn in the Game?
On Saturday the former Baywatch star walked into the Ecuadorian embassy in London clutching bags from Pret A Manger, the popular UK sandwich shop. 
The Bureau's crime correspondent gives the background to this shocking news:

The rumours on twitter start with the claim that Assange, believed to have extensive property interests, was actually attacked by Estate agents.

The really important stuff, though, is about the bags. These are said to have contained two large helium cylinders and reports spoke of two huge circular marks on Mr Assange's naked corpse and crushing injuries consistent with forced asphyxiation. "His face was twisted into what looked like a grotesque grin," said a source. "It is so unfair - his last moments must have been utter hell."
M/S Anderson was said to have looked "flushed but happy" as she left the embassy.
Image result for pamela anderson 2013 vogue
The Mail adds that an obscure  film maker called Ken Loach (father of the more well known Marxist theoretician and intellectual  Emma, aye-oop Emma!) donated a treadmill which is situate, as the estate agents say, in the tiny room in which the WikiLeaks founder is supposed to have met his end. In his first year at the embassy Mr Assange apparently walked 744 miles on it.
The Bureau's legal and pedantry correspondent adds:
The treadmill was part of the British punishment of "penal servitude" - confinement and forced labour - and one of its last victims was Oscar Wilde, who was martyred for hanky-panky. The rumours that Mr Assange did his 744 miles while looking for the embassy exit are untrue and grossly unfair.
But the late Mr Assange has finally entered the history books as the first person ever to have sentenced himself to solitary confinement and the treadmill.  Ecuadorian justice indeed!
On other pages:
   - Theresa May has received a four thousand two hundred and seventy page letter asking ninety seven questions about the future of Marmite.
   - The Guardian reports that Brexit is "existential threat to the future of the Cornish Pasty and proper gravy."  Guardian editor and friend of the working classes Katherine Viner asks "what exactly is gweavy?"
   - George Monbiot tells us why it is "now time to reintroduce black widow spiders to Epping Forest".  
   Tony Parsons says "foreigners can f****** die."
   - Tony Blair: "Why I cried when I watched Wayne Rooney lose his magic. Cash please, in a Pret a Manger bag."

   - Emma Loach asks: "What is a pesty? Is it like a Cornish pisky thingy?"  

   - Road Test Shammy Chakrabarty tells us why "driving my Rolls-Royce shows how much I care".  

 International News

New Hope for Kate
Home Secretary Amber Redd-Greene, is "likely to investigate latest Maddie sightings". 
M/S Redd-Green, seen here on popular ITV talent show Who's Your Favourite Babe? recently, is rumoured to be possibly considering new measures in the heart-breaking search for the tot who, according to latest research, was last seen on March 22 2006.  
A well-placed source  close to the Home Office wall said "the Home Secretary  is extremely supportive and may get in touch with Kate and Gerry about these sightings soon."
A family pal with an ill-fitting pink toupee told the Bureau "when Gerry put the phone down yesterday you could tell he might have had very good news indeed." 
It is rumoured that the Home Office may be  particularly interested in sighting number 8 292 which a world famous journalist on the cookery website  Conservative Woman  ("Break off and Bake Off and always answer the door in your undies when hubby comes home") forwarded on after receiving it from a "very trustworthy source indeed".
A family spokesman said "Kate and Gerry have sacked me. Give us a job."
Credible Sighting Number 8292
Operation Grange is said to be "urgently seeking" the tall round-shouldered figure  whose shadow is seen here. A bald head appears to be visible above the suspiciously turned up collar of his ill-fitting winter coat. From the position of his elbows he may be covertly taking pictures. Do you know him? The child is just visible beside the adventure playground hut centre left. Do you know where this picture might have been taken?