Saturday, 20 September 2014

Publishing News


Shock Corridor!

A major inquiry is under way after a  man forced his way  into a locked psychiatric ward.
Emergency sirens sounded for the first time in seven years at the world-famous Schizoid Trauma & Mania (STM) Unit as a stranger forced his way past security staff and demanded to be admitted as a patient.
The World Famous STM Unit
 
“It was weird,” said burly male nurse Kier Simmons, cradling what he calls his nutter-club,  “ the doors are designed to keep people from getting out, not in, so this old guy was able to whizz through  and nobody knew how to handle it.” Security chiefs are investigating claims that the sirens  ran backwards with the all-clear instead of an alert.

Bedlam!

Journalist Anthony Summers, 77, has become the first person in the history of the NHS to break into a secure ward. The STM Unit holds some of the most seriously disturbed patients  in the country, including Nigel "The Grin" N.,  who was banned from Welwyn Garden City centre for an offence that nobody to this day is willing to describe, and “The Truthiness Man”, a four feet eleven inch Coprophagic dwarf who has to wear locked wicket-keeper gloves for a related complaint and to which only the Chief Nurse has a key. Summers, however, seems untroubled by the dangers and has hidden himself under an unoccupied bed.
Summers: friends "very concerned"

Death By A Thousand Jeers

According to those close to him, Summers suffers from Mervyn Peake Syndrome, named after the artist and author who collapsed after his play The Wit To Woo was greeted with derision by critics, took to a wheelchair and  remained there  until his death thirty years later.
Swelter & Urchin - Mervyn Peake 

Pure Gold

“It has hurt him terribly,” said his estate agent, “underneath those scary looks beats a heart of pure gold.” But gold appears to be the one thing that Summers, 79, is lacking since the devastating failure of his first venture into fiction, the ground-breaking children’s horror story  Digging Up Maddie. The publishing world is alive with comment about the unexpected   failure of a work  that was supposedly set to keep  the Xmas tills ringing for the next three months.
Sympathy for yoghurt-drinking Summers, 82, though, seems to be in short supply. Is it envy?

Friends Speak Out

“Don’t give me that Mervyn Peake crap,” says legendary broadcaster Tom Mangel-Wurzel, his closest friend, “Peake was a genuine author but Summers is an untalented loose-cannon and fraud who can’t tell his Anastasia from his arsehole, and bitchy with it. The only thing that should shock him to death is a good review. Is the bastard dead yet?”
And another good friend added, “Tony always wanted to make it big,” he giggled, “- ask Robbyn - and this time he has: the first writer in history whose review numbers exceed his book sales.”

Secret Language

Doctors and social workers are in urgent discussions about the next move but Summers, 93, is pleading to be allowed to stay. According to Kier, who unashamedly thinks Summers is “onto something”, the journalist lies under the bed chanting to himself  in a weird quasi-Basque language of his own – “prizepul Itzer Short list,pullit Zer Pri Ze shortlist…pul LLitzer prize shortlist…” for hours at a time, oblivious to The Truthiness Man’s thoughtful offers to show him where the toilets are.
More if we get it.