Friday, 22 August 2014

What The Papers Say

This week the big story has been in the Harlow Courier:

T H E  C O U R I E R

Est 1214

  • Mystery Explosion in Chipperfield!

  • People overcome by toxic fumes!

  • Where is "Big Nurse"? Only a few strands of hair and some broken glasses found

  • Will Stansted have to close?


Land surrounding a disintegrating septic tank is being sealed off today following a mystery explosion caused by a three year build-up of toxic gases. The effluent is so dangerous that Harlow local council has requested emergency help from Ebola Solutions UK, a specialist quango.

Exhausted Rescuers

“We have to take this very seriously,” said Councillor Albert Braithwaite, head of waste services and public order.” Portly, breathless Mr Braithwaite is almost exhausted after twenty four hours without sleep.  “Stansted Airport  is only a few miles from Harlow and if the wind changes there could be a Runway Disaster Situation”.

Lock down!

The explosion occurred at  a mysterious local therapy centre, the 666 Clinic. Its premises are now locked down, their website is no longer responding and there are fears for the health of the dozen or so patients still in the area.  There are rumours that the M11 motorway is to be closed between junctions 14 and 15.
So what exactly has happened? Is there a D-Notice in operation? Sam Johnson of The Courier’s "Onsite" Team has been studying the background to this strange tale for months now. Here is his report.

Emergency workers are working without protective clothing

A Far-Away Place in Deepest Essex

Few knew exactly what was going on at the 666 Clinic in Chipperfield over the last few years. Undelivered junk mail has piled up outside the rotted garden gate since postmen and canvassers refused to enter; a badly broken front path leads to an anonymous 1930s semi-detached "cottage" with thickly double-glazed but misted windows. On the peeling front door is a brass plate reading Unincorporated Associations our Tax-Efficient Speciality with, in smaller letters underneath The 666 Clinic. Neighbours, who are  waiting to be evacuated, speak of  disgusting vapours and a permanent stench of excrement.

For the last five  years a mysterious alternative therapy unit had operated here – and the neighbours didn’t like it. “It wasn’t just the smell,” said Nigel “Niggy” Nessling, 73, who repairs motor bikes, “it was the screams and this constant, weird gurgling noise. Put me off my lunch.” Niggy blows his nose into his hand, wipes it casually on his overalls and takes a deep sniff at a can of thinners before turning his back to twirl his valve with both hands. I leave quietly.
Under its mysterious head Big Nurse Tone the clinic operated a controversial therapy called Primal Hate Excretion, aimed at those suffering from paranoia, feelings of inadequacy and a variety of sexual dysfunctions. Patients in the Primal Isolated (Excretion) Theatre (the PIT) would be encouraged to scream and bellow hatred until delirium ensued as nurses known as “Moderators” administered a high-pressure, continuous flow, VLD (very large diameter) enema, supposedly containing secret herbal ingredients from the Croatian Alps.

The Patient's Tale

We spoke to an ex-patient, now  symptom free and living happily ever after, who agreed to talk to the Courier as long as her identity was protected. “It worked wonders for me for a time,” she said,  a still attractive but somewhat faded woman who blinks constantly and asks if “they” have followed me here. “But I did become pretty dependent on it. It was very intense.”

How had she heard of the unit?

“Oh, there was an advert at the back of a magazine called For Elderly Mad Singles. I sent off ten pounds for a leaflet called 60 Questions about Sexual Abuse Answered …and here we are.” She giggles. “I thought it was a contact leaflet book and I'd  meet another mad single.” A long pause. “Redwood didn’t send you, did he?”
So what was a session like?
“Big Nurse Tone gives us a list of filthy key words to get us started and get the hate running and then, well, the rage starts to take over. And then Jilly — ”

“Jilly Coven, the matron. I can’t tell you what she looks like ’cos she never lets anyone see her, stands behind a screen except when she’s doing the Tubes and then she wears a mask -”  

Oh, right. A surgical mask. Is she a surgeon?

“No she's not and it’s a batman mask actually. Batman! Sounds weird, doesn’t it? And she is, believe me. Anyway Jilly would stand behind a screen shouting let it go, hate, hate! go on, go on, get the paedo out of you, kill it  and all this stuff, getting very excited, if you know what I mean, and then rush out in her mask and stick in the enema and I’d just scream anything that came into my head louder and louder until suddenly it was gone, oohh, and I’d flop back on the bed. Cured.”
“How did you feel afterwards?

“Mmm, wonderful. I’d never felt like that since my husband died. Jilly Coven always said you were cleansed ’cos all the hatred gurgled down the drains with the fluid.”

Do you think it did?

“I don’t know anymore. I loved the feeling...but the more I did it the more hate I seemed to find. The Matron claimed that was a sign that it was beginning to work - for three years!   And it was all a bit creepy. The smell, that filthy house full of old leaflets and chipboard  furniture from Wickes,sort of like it was haunted…you never really saw Big Nurse Tony either except when he was moving his mum – you’d see a flash out of the corner of your eye and this huge bald head and wisps of hair flew by –

Big Nurse?
“No, that was his mum, but Big Nurse looks the same, just  bigger. She's tiny and he carted her from room to room in his arms crooning to her, just exactly like that Hitchcock film, what was it –

The Birds?
Psycho. Just like Psycho.  I wasn’t scared though: he’s completely mad, of course, but he’s terrified of women so he never gave me any trouble, worse luck. But I worry about Jilly. Who’s that over there? Do you know him?”

It’s a parking warden.
“So you say.”

What about the smell?
“You get used to it.”

Why were you worried about Matron Coven?
“I don’t know…there was the mask of course…and people used to text me saying she had a thing, you know a kink, about  fighting, a sort of voyeur thing. Apparently she could get very excited by people fighting. There was a family, the Smiths I think they were called, who claimed to have seen her at one of the dog fights they have on the estates round here, sort of shrieking with pleasure and rubbing the blood spats into her clothes.  Still, that could just be rumours, or mistaken identity 'cos it was dark and they couldn't see her face properly and she'd always worn her mask so they wouldn't know anyway.  But rumours never hurt anyone did they?

Rescue vehicles await the all-clear to enter


Experts that the Courier has  spoken to claim that the therapy is potentially dangerous, especially to the vulnerable people it is supposed to help.
But it wasn’t the therapy that brought the centre’s downfall – but the drains. The vast amounts of "hate-filled" colonic cleansing water began to overwhelm the primitive drainage system at Clinic 666  which, for whatever reason – and people have speculated endlessly about this  was not connected to the mains but to a do-it-yourself cesspit behind the kitchen.
A volunteer injecting disinfectant into Big Nurse's bedroom

Complaints began to pour in from affronted neighbours. Nothing was done about the drains and the increasingly swampy area behind the house which, it was claimed, was weakening the foundations of adjoining houses and into which a pit bull terrier – who owned that? we wonder – had disappeared without trace one Sunday evening.Worse, nothing was done about the ventilation.
The ventilation! It seems Big Nurse  was obsessed with double-glazing and may have suffered a serious sexual assault at the  hands of a double-glazing salesman when he was young. The house, as a result, was hermetically sealed with old glazing panels retrieved from skips by the increasingly deranged big nurse.  That is the story, and it is just a story, an opinion and when did opinions ever hurt anybody? But the story  was given credibility when Tone commenced a crazed stalking campaign against the boss of one of the double-glazing companies, or rather his kids, one which cost his circle of female “helpers” a packet  when Kennedy grew irritated at his attentions and swatted him  in court.  

But another, darker, version points to Croatian Cabbalistic theories of gaining power over people by means of their bodily fluids and recycling them to create the Philosophers’ Stone. This, though, is just opinion – rumour. And  when did opinion and rumour ever harm anyone?
Our medical correspondent claims that a gigantic build-up of waste in the cheap breeze-block back-garden septic tanks, coupled with huge, mysterious vats of liquid kept in the “members-only” area and Tone and his mum’s bedroom, all sealed in by Non-Everest home made double glazing sections resulted in a dangerously  toxic atmosphere that destroyed Big Nurse’s health and the residues of his sanity. And then his patients, most of whom have now fled,  began to show the same symptoms.

Horror in Harlow!

On Wednesday there was a loud explosion, with spectacles, burnt leaflets  and strands of hair being hurled through the roof. Green fumes began to  pour out through the broken double-glazing in Big Nurse Tone's bedroom. This morning a grotesquely melted Batman mask lay on the pavement outside. There is no up-to-date news on casualties but the small ring of elderly ladies who financed the clinic are believed to have experienced  what doctors describe as a "Negative Purse Biopsy".

At the moment we understand Councillor Albert Braithwaite is “pleased” with progress so far, the M11 is open and planes and landing and taking off normally at Stansted. But the future is still in the balance.

Readers can donate to a newly established emergency fund by sending cash donations in a plain envelope to:
The SOS (Save our Swamp) Fund (An Unincorporated Association)
66 Chipperfield

Where it will be eaten by Big Nurse.