Friday, 30 September 2016

Special Football Bumper Number


 The Wayback Machine Rolls On...

Wayback's Crowds Are Down This Season

Wayback Wanderers 0 - 5 Leicester

A dramatic start but WW, as usual,  flattered to deceive with a midfield that grew more and more confused and ineffective at  the questions that were asked of it. All Leicester had to do was sit back and watch the train crash unfold.
 
Despite repeated requests nobody from the club has appeared at post-match press conferences for a year, suggesting that everyone is too ashamed to admit their role in the debacle.   WW’s problems mounted with the news that their coach has been caught up in the Allardyce affair with old accusations of theft and hacking re-emerging. 
 
Goals: Gamble (hat trick)  Roberts (o.g.) Bennett (o.g.)
 

Bad Omens in Lisbon...

 

Lisbon 4 - Bury 0

A bad start for the Buriers with a foul mouthed rant to journalists  from a team doctor on the steps outside the stadium. And that was before the game really started! Clinical finishing by Fatima and  Oliveira and  a hysterically funny  own goal by Loach resulted in the Buriers surrounding no-nonsense referee Castro to protest – with the predictable result that Bury’s aggressive but ineffective captain was shown a red card late in the game.
 
A grim note was struck when brainy midfield co-ordinator Amaral was seriously injured in a particularly cowardly tackle from behind.
 
Terrifying Moment - medics fighting to save Amaral's life
 
Most of the crowd were shocked and silent but a small group of Bury supporters once again soiled the name of English sportsmanship.
 
Bury Fans React As  Amaral Loses Consciousness
 
The lights are going out for the Buriers. 
 
As if all that wasn't enough a dog search in the stadium - possibly due to a bomb scare or a sighting of Sam Allardyce's stomach - caused fear and mayhem among certain members of the crowd.
 
Goals: Fatima, Bennett (o.g)  Oliveira, Roach (o.g)

Grange seems to have the answers... 

Grange are "strong" tacklers, coach says
 

Grange United 5 - 1 Chelsea Browns

Grange cruised through this one while their opponents sprayed crude long balls into the stands for ninety minutes and expended most of their energy on adjusting  their fancy headbands. By the end the crowd was openly jeering and singing “You’re getting sacked in the morning”.
 
Waddling defender Hoffman cheated a penalty in the 60th minute but had to be given oxygen after complaining of shortness of breath. After Redwood’s late substitution Wall had two simple tap-ins to finish the opposition off.
 
Local residents complained afterwards about the state of the streets around the stadium after free copies of the “tell-all” autobiography by the Browns’ captain choked the gutters.
 
Goals: Redwood, (2) (substituted 78 mins.), Wall (2) Bennett, (o.g). Bluff (penalty)
 
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Appeal by Missing People

A much-loved graphic artist with a GSOH called Safari Sarah has suddenly disappeared. We know that she may have had certain things on her mind lately  but Sarah, please think again. Sarah come home!
 
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Meltdown...

No Proof it Exists - Expert

Plymouth & Hyde Hoe – Arsenal

Match abandoned.
 
The Plymouth & HDH manager tearfully denied being exposed and humiliated by a widely read press investigation into fraud and dishonesty by the sports fanzine The Bureau  but admitted that “retirement might beckon” before adding “I have done nothing wrong” and departing in an ambulance with darkened windows.
 
A press statement from Arsenal apologised to supporters, saying  that the “the match was abandoned after  Plymouth & Hyde Hoe manager Taylor stated there was no proof that the Emirates stadium existed.”  
Bemused Arsenal manager  Wenger said afterwards, “I am slightly concerned because we told them that over two million people had seen and visited the Emirates but the answer was that none of them were “credible”. What can you do?”

Paranoia Blues on the Costa Brava...

We Demand No Cover-Ups
 

Whitehall Devils 0-7 Real Leif

The WD’s search for a striker, a defender, a  backer or even, these days, a crowd continues. Nine years of failure to produce hasn’t convinced dedicated supporters that something might be wrong with their approach.
 
Today was no different. Programme notes suggested that “stunning developments” were imminent – but they always are, aren’t they? Striker Blair, Goalkeeper Brun, Murdoch and Cameron were always going to be the key - but nothing ever happened.
 
This performance was tired and lacklustre, as if even the players are losing belief. Roberts has become invisible, fanciful inside-left  Craig Murray plays sly passes down the middle every week but has never actually scored, while failed Portuguese defender Morais is always too busy claiming  that English games are  fixed against them.

Sad, sad, sad. But not unexpected.
 
Goals: Roberts (o.g) Bennett (o.g) (2) Self (o.g)  Morais (o.g)  Ribeirro 1

Has-Beens 'R' Us...

Brighton & Hove Hopefuls 0 - Westminster Blues 2


A bizarre match as Mitchell, Brighton’s bandy-legged, white-kneed, centre forward in the baggy shorts (who, according to Inside magazine, dyes his hair remnants with Lucozade and human placenta)  fouled and dived for almost ninety minutes to get an equalizer.
 
 
Previously unsung at non-league Hendon Terraces and transferred for a miserable £70 000 – which just about reflects his worth – Mitchell  thinks football is a game of bluff, forgetting that in the end there is always a result, one way or another. His head was turned early in his career when he was compared with England legend and world cup winner Alf Ramsey - but nobody told him  it was because they both had elocution lessons. 
 
As usual this season, when he wasn’t fouling he seemed comatose and ill at ease. Press reports suggest that he wants a new start elsewhere but as a wag in the crowd shouted “the useless c*** can’t even find the exit, let alone the f******  net.
Goals: May, Bennett (o.g.)  
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  •  Inside: Press Round Up

  • Disgraced England Manager Sam Allardyce says "I was told that what I did was well within the bounds of responsible coaching."  From The Mirror  Page 20
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  • Allardyce "may undergo gender reassignment", according to wig shop owner. From The Guardian Page 22
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  • "Dead Man Walking" ex-PR Guru Clarence Mitchell says "There is an innocent explanation for everything  Allardyce has done. Or not done. Which way's the exit?" From the Brighton Argus "Where are they now? feature. Page 31
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  • Croydon Tramway Murder Attempt - Celebrity film maker Rich Hall asks: "Did anyone see a flock of sheep acting suspiciously on the tramlines that night?" Now he believes they are out to kill Allardyce too. "That's why he had to flee to Spain."   From UFOs Are Us Page 93  
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And finally...


  •  Expert Criminologist & Football Fan Lizzie Bung calls press conference with Media Advisor and Hotshot Lawyer/Unincorporated Association  specialist Gordon Bennett. Page 16

  •  "There is no proof the  Stan Allardyce video exists," Bung says. "Or Mr Allardyce either." Asked by a wag if there is proof  she herself exists she replies,"yes, there must be but I haven't thought it through yet." The Bureau says: Ask Rene Descartes. M/S Bung replies "I don't know any French footballers." Page 17

  • Gordon Bennett QC said "I was inside  the High Court not  very long ago. Unfortunately I was in the dock. It's the way you tell them, you know. Here are my briefly summarised reasons why Mr Allardyce must be given a fair trial." Pages 64-128, pages 130-626, pages 628-1946, pages 1948-2525 

  • Wayne Rooney, who had wandered in, said to Mr Bennett, "you too could have hair like mine." Quick as a flash the QC replied: "You're banned!" "No," said Wayne, "I'm Wayne".

  •  All in unison: "PROVE IT!"